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Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
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4:30 am - Private
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I'm glad I got to see Scott again before I left. Just hanging out with him for a while felt good. It was relaxed, and it was fun and it was a nice quiet night.
Kids leaving for vacation didn't bother me, and you know as much as I initially resisted the idea of this vacation thing with Remy and Ian and Grace, I'm glad it's something I did. The trip wasn't a short one but it was a good one. Spending a while with them and out of the mansion should be good for me too. Hell, good for me, not good for me, mostly it's just going to be fun. Looking forward to being awake enough to spend some time getting to know Jon. He's so important to Grace.
Wicked and I's trip... well that might not be quite as relaxing but I want Mom to know what it is I'm doing out there. She's always been more receptive than Dad, and even Dad was coming around before all this shit happened. Seeing it's not all fighting, meeting one of the kids and just generally getting to act like a mom and grandmotherly'll be great for her.
Will worry about the rest of everything important when I get back.
I'm on vacation. I'm vacating.
current mood: proud
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| Monday, July 25th, 2005
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11:48 pm - Private
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Wow. That was either really impressive, or just impressively pathetic.
Actually, I'm pretty proud of where I am right now.
Being able to fight with Emma may not be a sign of mental health to many people, but there was confrontation and I stood up for myself. I didn't shut down or shrink away from it. Granted how much I care what Emma thinks of me is nearly infintesimal, and how I handled it may have been on par with a socially retarded twelve year old, but I handled it.
Hell, she voiced some concerns about my mental stability and you know? They're valid, and I know it and I don't even mind. Yeah, I'm seeing a therapist and I don't handle social relationships with my peers as well as I would like to, but I'm doing something about it and I'm doing better. I think, somehow, this whole mess with her actually left me feeling better.
It's working. Issues are being diffused for me.
I can talk about my family, I can talk about my mental health, I can ever argue and fight about them. It might sting but when it's all said and done... their very mention doesn't send me spiraling off into fits of depression, or rage. They sting, sure, but there's nothing there that I couldn't handle. There was nothing there that made me... made me want to run away.
It's a good day. I'm getting better.
It's definitely a good day, and I think I'm going to be okay.
current mood: proud
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| Friday, July 1st, 2005
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5:45 am - Private
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You ever feel like every time you're about to get your feet under yourself, catch your balance catch your breath the rug gets pulled out from under you?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Then again I'm the lunatic talking to his journal like there's someone out there reading it.
I tried to talk to Remy about the Grace thing but... I don't think he gets it. Then I think a lot of them don't get it. Don't get just how much I *hate* myself, and what I am and what I'm not. How much I don't trust what I'm thinking or feeling. That's not their problem, that's mine.
What is their problem is Jean leaving, and it shouldn't be mine, but it is. It has thrown whatever balance I had to hell and back. I can't even imagine what it must be like for Scott and dammit, guitly as it makes me feel...
I'm still thinking about me. That's not supposed to be a totally bad thing. Or so Mr. Shrink keeps telling me. It's just. She's gone and dammit just about the time I start to maybe try to get a grip on her and Scott she vanishes and everything changes again and shifts around. I was doing better and now I'm back to hiding in my office and it's been like 2 weeks since I had a real conversation with anyone.
"You don't seem to handle change very well, Robert."
No shit, I think I could have figured that one out by myself.
current mood:  tired
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| Sunday, June 19th, 2005
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8:51 am - Private
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I'm not okay.
How is that for a revelation? It's not much of one, mind you, because I wouldn't have gone to see the guy if I thought I was okay. Then again it's at least validated that-- No, I'm really not all right. I kind of wish the doctor'd just handed me drugs and told me to get over myself, or I thought he was placating me or something.
It would have been really nice to expect things to change. Who doesn't like instant gratification? Even if I went with drugs, and there's no guarantee how my body and metabolism would handle them, it wouldn't be an instant fix. I knew there wasn't going to be an immediate change, and things wouldn't get totally better immediately but...
I don't know.
The idea of doing this for as long as I'm going to have to do it and still not ever really being okay scares me. That I'm not okay just makes me feel like I failed somewhere. X-men don't break, and men don't break down. That's just... I don't know. I keep saying that, but I don't. It's sort of like at times I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel.
It's easier to be around people, sometimes. It's easier to laugh and play and it's easier to tell myself that there are some things I just don't need to know and don't need to be involved with and protect what's left of my sanity that way. Then there are times when it's the middle of the night and I'm still freaking out over the same old issues; what seems like years worth of them.
That I'm not the son my father wanted. That I'm not good enough to be an x-man. That I'm freezing cold. That I really am an air-headed idiot. That I'm going to fuck up every relationship I'll ever have. That I'm going to drive everyone away. That they're going to get close enough to see how fucked up I am. That I'm going to let the kids down. That I'm going to let the team down. That I already let them down. That they don't need me. That they need me too much. That I'm going to drop the ball and they're going to die. That I'm going to die alone.
There's all this shit rolling around in my head and... sometimes, I just don't know what to do about it besides not think about it. That's okay for now. Not asking if Kate's sneaking out and not freaking out that she still wants to be an x-man and just not asking questions I don't want answered. That's working okay for now, but it's worked before and I know it can't work forever. I know that, and that's what the whole shrink thing is about. Dealing with it, not running from it.
Just. Damn it's hard.
One step at a time, I guess.
I'm not okay; I'm going to get better.
current mood: tired
current music: Winter
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| Friday, June 10th, 2005
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7:52 am - Private
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Tired.
I think that's probably the only word for it. Not exhausted or anything, just tired. Like I could sleep for a week if I didn't have anything to do. Kind of wierd since I haven't really been doing all that much. Just the accounting stuff, meeting with Sam, working out. Just the regular routine stuff.
It really does feel good to be working in the Mansion again.
Talked to Scott, or Scott talked to me about seeing someone. It's probably a good idea. I called a few places, and I'll go talk to the two that sounded the best on the phone Monday. I don't know what's going to happen with that, but it might help so it's worth a shot.
Hell, anything's worth a shot if it helps.
Need to talk to... just about everyone. Starting with Kate and Grace, I guess. Should probably tell Hank what's going on but. Damn that's hard.
All right. Time to get moving.
current mood: tired
current music: Going Under
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| Saturday, May 28th, 2005
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3:17 pm - Private
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I had a good time with Remy. I think somehow it's hard to be too serious with him and that's probably really good for me right about now. I don't know if I'm staying or not, not yet. I'm going to try to give it the rest of the summer before I actually make a decison, about any of it.
Sublet the apartment for three months (June, July and August) and took a leave of absence from the accounting firm for that same length of time. I guess come fall I'll have some idea where my life's going to go and make some decisions. Less final, less rash this way.
Also leaves me with that handy dandy feeling of having an escape route.
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| Friday, May 20th, 2005
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12:09 pm - Private
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I'm still not sure how I felt about talking with Scott last night.
That remark about running to Hank? Dead-on.
I'm also gone so much that apparently there are people who haven't even noticed I still *live* here. That's not a good thing. I kept the apartment and all, and I know I've been spending some time there, but mostly I've just been.... not here unless I'm asleep.
Talking to Scott made me realize I'm hurting people. Hell, I'm hurting myself. It wasn't even anything Scott said, it was how hard it was for *me* to say anything. I was telling the truth when I said this kind of thing is some sort of cycle. I don't see them, I know they get hurt and mad, so I hide from them more and--
Yeah, it's obviously not going to work.
The hell of it is, even knowing I'm going to start working from here and take my office back to do it and just plain being around more-- I still don't really want to talk to anyone. Now I don't even want to try to talk to Hank. What with 'running' to him and all. Yeah, that remark hurt.
A lot of that conversation hurt. Partially because of the things Scott said that were so fucking dead on, and part of it was just the stuff he didn't seem to get. I know it's because I suck ass at communicating, now more than ever, but damn.
Trying to explain yourself and being told everything you think and feel is wrong just fucking...
It just plain hurts.
I know it's my own fault but I've never been as on board as the rest of them and there was plenty of distance before I started hiding in work and schedules. Just-- There's more of it now.
I want to want them back in my life and I do want them back in mine. I know I want that, don't I? Maybe I want it without the consequences and work and effort. I want to go back to pretending to be happy and dumb.
I fucked that up. I guess I have to decide if i want them back enough to actually force myself to keep being honest and dealing with the consequences.
Not that there's a lot of choice. I have to at least try to clean this up.
Here's hoping it works. If not, well, at least I gave it a shot.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: When I'm Gone
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| Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
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6:53 am - Private
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| Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
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9:43 am - Private
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| Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
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3:33 am
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Wow.
There's enough going on with me that I'm honestly not sure where to start. That's different, and new. The team I guess. Scott and Jean are paired off, and honestly? I approve of that. Or I think I will once I get my head around it. I need to try to spend some more time with Scott and see if we can get comfortable around each other again.
Getting comfortable again's happening. Spent some time with Hank and I hope to god we can manage that danger room thing. I don't know if it'll actually help but even if it just gives him some confidence it's a good idea and worth it. Besides, I need to work out and with my schedule sometimes it seems like he's the only person I can track down.
I haven't seen much of the kids, any of the kids, because of it. Got a job back with that same old accounting firm. It's comfortable and easy. it's not doing much more than keeping me in place and busy but it gives me something to do with my days. Then again math's nice and sane and easy and the paycheck's not bad either.
I need to decide if I'm keeping the apartment. It's nice to have for when I'm out with Grace but honestly I need a reason to be at the Mansion. If I'm not working here I need to be living here or I'll just disconnect entirely and that's not the point; at all.
Need to talk to Emma. Need to hang out in the halls more and just be around. Maybe chill out in the kitchen after work sometime. Talk to Scott, check in on Sam. I don't know. Be here. Hell I've been back for how long and haven't seen Storm since SHE arrived and haven't seen Kitty in forever.
I will settle down. I will have a routine. I will be more available.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Beer For My Horses-
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| Sunday, April 17th, 2005
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2:05 pm
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2:05 pm
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It's been... really quiet.
You know I don't mind that anymore.
I'm comfortable with my place here, and the people here.
Am I as close to them as I was? Certainly not.
But, honestly, that's something that right now feels better. It's... easier to come and go and do my job and just... float.
Watch them, love them, and still have my own life. I'm not drowning in them anymore.
That's good. I really think that's good.
current mood: contemplative
current music: Prayin' For Daylight-Rascal Flatts
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| Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
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6:21 am - Private
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| Sunday, April 10th, 2005
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4:41 am
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I can't leave them alone for five minutes without something blowing up and someone getting killed.
... and that that is the extent of my emotional reaction probably means I just need to go to bed.
Deal with it in the morning.
Gotta talk to Scott.
current mood: contemplative
current music: Life Goes On-LeAnn Rimes
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| Saturday, March 12th, 2005
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8:17 am - Private.
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Tired and hot don't begin to cover my current state.
There's this constant low level drain just from being here. I swear to god, I think I'd make a joke about melting if it wasn't so fucking close to true. It's insanely hot here for everyone of course, but as much as I hate to fall into that self pity thing, I'm fucking Iceman. I do not belong in the tropics.
Tired is partially just from the heat but the work here on top make sure that I don't have enough energy at the end of the day to do much more than pass out. Water supply. Right. Which means literally pulling mass amounts of water and redirecting them. I didn't think my control was that good, and there have been a couple of very nearly funny incidents but it's getting there.
Very nearly funny but not because I'm melting.
I want to go home. Not before I'm done here of course, and really I have to admit there's something to be said for sending someone to the least comfortable enviornment in the world to make them appreciate home. I may never leave the mansion again. I'm also worried about everyone and the stock market but I'd be more worried if I had the time or energy to thinka bout it.
They'll take care of each other. They always, always, do.
Which means I'm free to ice my room and pass out for a few hours.
current mood: contemplative
current music: These Days-Rascal Flatts-Melt
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| Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
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7:15 pm
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| Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
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12:59 am
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| Thursday, February 10th, 2005
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3:56 am
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I'm sure there are things that I need to say here.
But the reality is that for all that's been going on, the time to myself and to relax and trust that the others will watch out for one another, and for me, and take care of things is something I've needed. I've seen them around. I've been here. I've been teaching.
But I've had the space to think and to stop feeling like I have to fix it all and I'm responsible for keeping the school running. I've needed this. I didn't realize how badly, but the school coming back to itself, the team coming back together?
Yeah. I was just too busy being worried about Scott to know I'd needed it, or how much.
current mood: contemplative
current music: Follow Me-Uncle Kracker-Double Wide
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| Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
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6:20 am
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| Friday, January 28th, 2005
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5:20 am
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I need to talk to Sam. I'm not sure what happened in the Danger Room and I'm not going to find out unless I have a long talk with her. She has to be scared out of her mind, and even if I wasn't her KP, I'd owe her an explanation. I also know that... well from the feel of things and what I know about her mutation she wasn't the only one doing the pulling. That raises some uncomfortable questions.
Grace stopped by to talk, which was really nice. I need to talk to Jean about ... well to be frank about my issues. The issues with telepaths and whatever the hell is going on with my sex-drive. Yeah. Jean. Why Jean? I don't know, except she's the person I trust and who might have a prayer of finding out what's up with me. I'm a little young to be on viagra but-- I suppose Remy's right in that I should talk about it with someone. Grace deserves me at least making an effort. Besides, I want to make sure Jean's okay too.
Going to be getting David out of this Mansion at some point. I don't know how he's acting now, but I know how he was in the danger room and I know he must have been beyond pissed off to resort to that kind of physical activity and risk. He deserves a break. The guy's been here almost 2 years and I think about 2/3 of the Mansion doesn't even know he exists. Even Scott forgot to warn him things might be dangerous. Well that or Scott made the decision. Either way, he deserves some attention and play.
Either way, lots to do and people to check up on. Need to get in the Danger Room with Logan, need to stop by and chat with Hank again. I need to talk to Rogue, but I know the woman. When she's ready to talk to me, she'll find me. Should check in with Jane again at some point. She's been quiet lately. Things are busy here now, but chaotic. It's nice to have the family back but-- well things are nuts. I'm not sure I like it.
Anyway-- Later. Tonight I'm actually going to get some sleep.
Oh and the prank? Can wait for a while. People need talking to and reassuring right now. I don't think this is the time for pranks and well even I'm not about to do 'fun stuff' in the wake of a lot of fear and pain and chaos and anger.
Must. Must. Must. Poke Kate to start that discussion group. The kids need it.
All right, email first.
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